The Great Hunt

Great, “just what I don’t need.” The geckos in the aquarium need more crickets. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to make the trip to the pet store to buy crickets; it was that I didn’t have any money to buy them. In fact I had put it off for a couple days.

I felt like a loser, not just about the geckos being hungry, but about everything in my life. Every single aspect of my life was out of balance and I was not measuring up in any way.

I looked over at the geckos in the tank and wanted to make sure they were ok. It had only been a few days, but I was sure they were getting hungry. As I peered into the tank I saw something amazing, one of the geckos was hunting. He was hungry and searching for some crickets. It was always fun to watch them hunt and feed on the crickets, but this made me sad.

I said to myself, “that is just like me, hunting for something that isn’t there.” What!? Where did that come from?

As sad as that gecko’s hunt for crickets was, my hunt was many times sadder. The gecko had just begun hunting for the last day or two. I had been hunting for years. Just like that gecko, I was on a hunt for something, but I feared it might not be there.

I knew I would get the geckos some crickets and they would find with great delight what they were hunting for. I was not so sure that I would find what I was hunting for in time. If it was going to happen, I thought I would have to depend on myself.

This hunt was not something I had planned on consuming most of my time over a ten year period, isolating myself and looking for the life I was meant for.
I kept my family and friends at a distance, connections from my past completely dissolved, sacrificed to this obsession.

The bad thing was I couldn’t stop. I knew I couldn’t see what I couldn’t see. I knew that there was no one that could help me with my dilemma. Who could possibly understand the burden that I carry?

I would spend my days writing out my thoughts about life and sorting out what I thought life was all about. I didn’t hide the fact that I was on a search, nor what I was searching for. Many around me couldn’t understand my search. Why couldn’t I just set some goals and achieve the American dream? Enjoy life and let it be what it would be?

I couldn’t put my finger on it, but I knew that there was a different way of life that was powerful and victorious. I knew there had to be a type of life that matched the passion that was inside my heart.

This is a blog about what I have found and it is way better than crickets.